


Quiet

by reketrebn



Series: Falling Away With You [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America (Movies) RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Evanstan - Freeform, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-19 20:05:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4759277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reketrebn/pseuds/reketrebn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris struggles with his feelings for Sebastian after they finished shooting the second Captain America movie. But people and things happen; unexpected memories and situations too and in time it slowly builds between them something maybe worth protecting.</p><p>A sequel fic to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4485732">Pretending</a> ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

**Author's Note:**

> ....which I didn't even plan to continue but a few encouraging comments can do miracles... and so here it is. More angsty and hot Evanstan for you yay!
> 
> Also the name of this fic is taken from [Quiet by The GazettE](https://vimeo.com/74547753)~

Days, weeks and months pass after the shooting of the second Captain America movie and Chris doesn't receive even one message or call from Sebastian. It's as if everything that happened between them just disappeared. It's true that he could reach out as well, just pick up the damn phone or write a simple text. But the thing is, every time he tries, he feels like the worst criminal on the planet. There are two reasons why: Sebastian has still his girlfriend, and Chris doesn't want to come off as disrespectful. Well, the second reason is more like a fact, not a crime. So he continues to wait, it's the only thing he can do now.

But as the time passes, his thoughts pass too. And he starts to over-think some of the aspects of the last summer and what happened between them. Yeah, Seb did say they will see each other again and very clearly implied in what way, but really might have meant it _only_ at the press tour. Which means the time in between is radio silence and there will be no more spending time together. He maybe doesn't want to spend it with Chris outside of work, there are these sort of people too.

He starts feeling even more anxious and there are nights when he just can't sleep, replaying all his memories over and over in his head. His brain is suddenly too loud and that's when he just gets up and goes for a run.

He's in LA now, so a very early run along the beach is exactly what helps clear his head best. Chris likes spending time in Boston as much as he can but at this time, even being close to his family is not the right thing. It doesn't really feel right to him now, he needs to think and needs to breathe. Probably even being surrounded by many new and unfamiliar things helps him too. Besides, his house here is really nice, with a beautiful view and what more do you need sometimes than to be awed by the simple sunrise outside of your window?

So Chris runs, works out; he spends a lot of time simply exploring or working on some minor projects. Anything to help him take his mind off the fact that Sebastian is not here and Chris hasn't seen him for months now.

It hurts, it really hurts.

  
****

And when Chris really can't take it anymore he just calls Scarlett, all worried and on the verge of breakdown. It's deep into the night in Cali so it has to be some time during the day in France when she picks up.

"Hey, Chris, you know they invented Skype for those sort of international calls," she says right away into the phone, amusement clear in her voice and Chris knows she's laughing at him.

"Yeah, I know, but I kinda needed to.. uh you know hear you and didn't really think.. sorry, are you busy?" Chris asks her and can already feel her amusement bleeding out.

"What is it? Did something happen?" Concern quickly replaces the smile and Chris feels even more like a mess because of it.

"No! No, nothing really happened," he chuckles humorlessly, "Actually that's the thing.. nothing is happening." He shrugs even when Scarlett can't see it right now, hell even he can't see anything because he's in the darkness of his bedroom, just staring into the nothingness and holding the phone to his ear.

"Chris, what's wrong.. just tell me. I can already tell it's some love problem, you are always miserable and it turns out it's for nothing." She's still trying to cheer him up a bit even when it's obvious she's worried. Chris just sighs deeply and rubs a hand over his face, it's so hard to talk about it and especially since it's a person they both know and worked with.

"Do I know her? Come on, it can't be that bad!" She urges him on again, judging by his sighs through the phone. He lets out one more sound of a lost battle with himself and plops back down on the bed.

"Yes, you know him. Actually, pretty well." There is silence on the other line for a moment and Chris presses a hand over his eyes, too late to take it back now.

"I'm so sorry, dear." She finally answers and it's clear she's very honest right now, and also obviously knows right away who Chris means. Well, it probably wasn't too hard to guess for someone who worked with them as she did.

"Yeah." He huffs, "Me too."

"Did you talk to him?" She asks, concerned; there are some muffled sounds of kids from somewhere in the background but her attention is still fully focused on him. "I just... I didn't think it was serious between you two, back then on the set I mean. Sure, it was intense but.." She's not usually the one to dance around the topic but she probably wants to goad him to say the words. Hell, it would probably help him to get it out of his chest. That's the whole point of calling her after all, right?

"I fell for him, Scar." He replies finally in a silent voice and sighs again. "And no, we haven't talked ever since.. since that wrap up party." He's probably sighing more than he even should but he can't help it, there is this constant weight on his chest and he can't get rid of it, no matter how much he runs or works out.

"Oh, man.. you need to talk to him, Chris, like really talk to him. This is serious and it's killing you. I can tell by how much you're sighing, yeah I don't even need to see your sorry face!" Scarlett tries to lighten up the topic again but they both know this is no joke, especially in the way this whole situation is tangled up messily.

"I don't know what to do.. I don't want to appear pushy? But at the same time I can't stop thinking about him?" He shakes his head and hides his face in the palm of his hands again. "I just wish things weren't so complicated." Chris finishes and just throws that hand behind his head, staring at the dark ceiling.

"And where would be the fun in that?" He hears Scarlett's smirk even through the phone. "You know what, just call him and ask him to hang out with you. That's normal, right? He's a very social person, he won't deny you, you know how he is. And you will see for yourself if things are the same as they were this summer. Maybe, you will realize it's not the same and move on." Chris knows all of this, he thought about it thousand times by now but he probably just needed to hear it. He knows it and Scarlett know is too. What are friends for, after all.

"Yeah, you're right, I should probably do that. I will do that." He finally smiles a little.

After that they talk for a bit about her new family and life, how are things going and what next projects both of them have. When they finally say their goodbyes, it's past 6AM in Cali and the sun is rising. It's pointless to go to sleep so Chris jumps into the shower and makes himself a nice cup of his favorite coffee. He watches the sunrise while drinking his cup and after that goes for another run.

****

About another few hours later, after a shower and breakfast, he's finally at least a bit mentally ready to call Sebastian. He's not worried about them not being able to be friendly but about that other factor, he's afraid things have changed and anything more that was there is gone. He knows he's overthinking it again and just remembers Scarlett's voice and imagines her rolling eyes at him. With another of those deep sighs he picks up his phone and flips it a few times in his hand, contemplating whether he should call or text and counting the time on the East Coast. It should probably be a reasonable enough hour by now so he presses the call button and waits through the dial tone, his heart hammering in his chest and anxiety gnawing at his stomach. Sebastian picks up on the fifth ring and his voice sounds a bit rough.

"Hey, man! How are ya?" Even this does things to Chris, he feels a small shudder running down his spine just from hearing that voice after so long. Well, to him at least it felt like an eternity.

"Heeey! Good, good. You?" Chris asks and tries sounding casual and chill, the chilliest on earth, total ice. "Did I wake you?" He's also trying not to pry too much but it's hard anyway.

"Nah, not at all, it's like 10AM or something. I'm actually at the gym, taking a break." There is a little chuckle on the other end and Chris can't help but to grin at that a bit too. It also brings a slightly warm feeling to his stomach.

"Right, I just came back from a run too, we have to keep ourselves in shape." To his surprise, Chris is still managing to keep the light tone and carefree demeanor. But the nerves are still keeping him on edge. "So.. I was thinking, if you want to hang out or something... at some point of time, when you're not busy. With filming all those big movies." He's just hopeless, turning it into joking again but he can't help it. And there is immediately Sebastian's laugh, genuine and bright, just like always.

"Yeah, man, of course. I mean I do have something coming up but it's hardly an Oscar deal." He laughs again, sharing their old private joke. "So yeah, I'll let you know when I actually look at the exact dates and we will schedule something up. LA or New York, though? I never know where you are." Sebastian asks him casually and Chris doesn't know what to say for a second. Because sure NY is close to Boston and he'd be able to run there if things fuck up but Cali on the other hand is far away from everyone and everything, so it'd feel even easier to be alone with Sebastian.

"I'm in LA now," He answers in the end, closing his eyes for a second, making the decision. It scares him a bit more but also excites him on the other hand. "And I will probably stay for a bit more here, catching up with Scott and stuff." He shrugs even though Sebastian can't see it through the phone.

"Cool, I need to fly there to sign some deals next week, how about that?" Sebastian suggests right away and Chris's heart thuds a bit louder for one beat.

"Yeah, that sounds great, just give me a heads up." He grins and with a few more exchanged words they end the call. After he puts down the phone, Chris exhales one long loud breath and then actually grins. Well, there weren't any hints whatsoever to what kind of meeting they are agreeing to but still, it's better than nothing. And Scarlett's been right. And also he really does need to catch up with Scott. It's actually a shame he hasn't until now but his mind was kind of preoccupied.

******

"You'll be back, right?" His girlfriend crosses her arms over her chest and her face is this specific unreadable mask. He knows this one, when she's playing it cool but underneath it there are feelings she doesn't want him to see. Not now and for her own reasons.

"Why wouldn't I be back? This is ridiculous." Sebastian is checking his suitcase and adding all the last necessary things he needs in it. This conversation is irritating him but he's trying to keep it at bay, Margosha isn't completely wrong in that. He's given her a plenty of reasons in the past so he can't really blame her.

"Well, it might be and it might not." She sighs and rolls her eyes, walking into the bathroom for a second before walking out with his toothbrush. "Seriously, Seb. Where's your head? You'll forget it somewhere one day too." She smirks a little at him and he chuckles. Well, this is typical for him after all and he's well aware of that. He leans for a short kiss and takes the toothbrush.

"Thanks," Sebastian gives her a smile and takes the bag to the door, Betty already lying there on the floor with sad eyes. "And I will be back, you know that." He turns to her, his irritation ebbing away now when he's admitted to himself that there indeed is a reason for worry. Because he himself is not sure, he's anxious and nervous, and Margosha can tell that too. She knows him for a while after all and she recognizes the telltale signs. And signing some deals in Hollywood isn't getting him this absentminded like the way he's been for the past week.

"Have a safe flight, call me sometime, you loser." He grins and shakes his head, then hugs and kisses her, this time longer. But when they part her mask finally cracks and he can see the worry in those eyes.

"Just.. I don't wanna know. As long as I am the one you come back to." She says quietly and that actually does stab him in the gut strangely. He tells her not to worry and that he'll be back in a week. But the truth is, he's probably even more scared of going there than she is. There are so many things that can go wrong in so many ways. And there will always be someone hurt in the process. But that's his life, even if he tries really hard all the time, he can't make everyone happy.

********

A week flew by like nothing with how busy Chris tried to keep himself. He worked out and danced a lot too, he went for a run every morning and met up with Scott a few times. His brother, of course, immediately could tell something's going on and it took only two beers and some prodding for Chris to spill the beans. Well, he certainly took out the part where they called each other the names of their characters but Scott pretty much understood the deal even without that information.

And the day of Sebastian's visit is finally here. Chris's night was pretty much sleepless and the nerves are currently eating him from inside out. They exchanged a few texts during that week, scheduling a meeting but nothing more than that. Sebastian will be busy during the day but he said he will come over at the evening and they can hang out then. So Chris is up bright and early, running and working out for a few hours and then cleaning the whole house a bit obsessively. He's doing everything he can to silence his loud brain and keep himself busy. He also goes shopping and fills the fridge and cabinets with food and alcohol. If things go south, he can at least drown in it and eat his pain away... right.

Around 7PM his doorbell finally rings and he almost trips over his own feet to hurry and open the door. And behind it is Sebastian, gorgeous and smiling like a dork. His hair is short again and windblown probably by riding with open windows in the taxi and he's taking off his sunglasses, his strange grey eyes expressing a genuine happiness to see Chris.

"Hey, man!" Sebastian laughs and Chris just reaches out and hugs him without thinking. He prepared his reactions and words for a week but it all flew out of the window the moment he saw Sebastian. The first thing he just really wants to do is to hug him. The next one is kissing him but he's not so sure of the reaction he'd get to that right now. Sebastian hugs him back though and there's a bit of surprised laugh bubbling in his chest, vibrating against Chris's ribcage and he feels himself drowning fast again, just like those few months ago. Even the wonderful scent is back and maybe even better because there's the Californian sun entwined in the dark hair and stamped all over warm golden skin.

"Sorry, I guess I missed you, haha. Come inside, you must be exhausted." Chris finally lets go of the younger man and invites him in. His heart feels like it wants to jump out of his chest and he's desperately trying to at least calm down his breathing. _It's going to be okay, it really is going to be okay, just stop acting like a moron, Chris! It will be fine!_ He keeps repeating this to himself and leading Sebastian to the kitchen.

***

A few hours, a few beers and a light dinner later, they are both making a good use of Chris's outdoors pool. Chris can't decide if it's the best or the worst decision they ever made, because he's currently in a deep torment over Sebastian's toned body but at the same time enjoying the view quite a lot. The course of the night has been really good so far, they talked and laughed, not one awkward moment. And after a while, they started shamelessly flirting with each other, like even more than they used to during the time they worked together. It makes Chris happy for a lot of reasons. But mainly because apparently they find each other attractive even outside of the movie set. Or he rather really does hope it's the case..

"What all the tattoos mean?" Sebastian asks out of nowhere while he's just aimlessly swimming around Chris, his hair wet and the water beautifully sliding over his skin. It's really hard to take his eyes off of him.

"Um, I don't know if I should tell you." Chris teases and smirks, at the moment leaning on the edge of the pool with his elbows and just watching Sebastian swim. But the latter one throws him a look and then he's swimming right towards him. Catching the edge with his left hand, he brings their bodies suddenly really close and his right hand hovers over the writing under Chris's collar bone. Chris tries not to die on the spot and keep the teasing facade. But Sebastian puts the palm on his shoulder and traces the inked skin with his thumb, unconsciously biting his bottom lip and obviously reading what is written on the wet skin.

"Does it help?" He asks after he looks up again, eyes the color of an azure sea, and it's obvious he's asking about what the tattoo says. Chris's breath is caught up in his throat and he's barely able to register the question. He's been waiting far too long for this moment to come again, it's probably written all over his face even if he's trying to hide it.

"Sometimes.. but not always." _Like right now_ , he wants to add. Sebastian's gaze shamelessly flicks down to Chris's lips and back to boring into his eyes while he closes the distance between their bodies and presses his chest to Chris's.

There it is again, clear and obvious, they are drawn to each other. For now at least physically, and that's one step closer to answering all of Chris's questions.

Without much more hesitation, he puts a hand on Sebastian's bare waist and leans down to touch their foreheads, his breathing quickens and he's giving them the last chance to stop. Neither of them do though. Their lips meet for a deep and hungry kiss, tongues already tasting each other and one of them lets out a content grunt.

It feels like forever since their last kiss and it's also pretty much obvious that both of them wanted to do that the moment Chris opened his door. It feels so right and wrong at the same time, but Chris is beyond caring right now about all the reasons why they shouldn't be doing this. He never believed he could be so much in sync with anyone in his life, like there were a lot of compatible people who came along but this... it's so much more. One of them turns and the other already knows where to go, one starts pushing and the other is already tugging in the same direction. It's wonderful and maybe a little bit scary, because you hardly find someone like this with whom you sometimes don't even need to talk to understand them.

They kiss for a long time in the pool before they finally decide to go in, since it's getting a bit chilly during the night. But as soon as they're back inside, with no lights on, they're kissing again in no time but giggling slightly because it's hard to navigate in the dark. Seb seems too impatient to be bothered by it and simply pushes Chris to the nearest solid surface, which happens to be the kitchen counter, and resumes their making out session. After a moment, Sebastian starts kissing Chris's neck and collarbone, getting down his chest and before Chris can register what exactly is happening, Sebastian is on his knees and licking his lips while gazing up at him. They never went oral on each other before. Sure, they fucked that one time before the end but except that, it was all quite innocent between them. But now, clearly, Sebastian wants to take another step over the line and is asking Chris for permission like always.

"I really wanna taste you.." Sebastian's voice sounds a bit rough and he's rubbing Chris's thigh impatiently. Chris has been hard for like an hour already so there is only a little hesitation but he still considers it for a second before nodding. He wants to ask how much Sebastian has done this before, but since even during their sex he seemed to know exactly what he's doing, he rather presses his lips tight and tries to breathe. His wet dreams are coming true once again and he intends to keep his eyes open.

And indeed as soon as his swimming shorts are down, he gets to know how much experience Sebastian has. Quite enough apparently, because Chris needs to anchor himself on the counter behind him when Sebastian's wet mouth wraps around the head of his cock. He's licking and sucking on all the right places, even the ones not many people know about. But it seems that even this Sebastian already remembers from before. And Chris can't get enough of that view, it's even hotter than he'd ever imagined it, those lips are simply gorgeous around his cock.

Sebastian is eagerly licking him and sucking, hollowing his cheeks soon and then going all the way down on him. This knocks the air out of Chris's lungs and he simply gasps, watching with open mouth the perfection below him. He's gripping the counter behind him with desperation and moaning without any shame. There are probably also a few profanities falling from his lips but it's not like he even cares right now, it's the most erotic thing he's ever seen. He can hardly remember when was the last time he felt so turned on and so close just by a few minutes of a being in someone's mouth. But clearly this mouth is really talented.

"Ah, Seb.. 'm close.. wai-wait, don't wanna.." Not that he makes much sense now but he's still trying to make Sebastian stop.

"Won't. Plenty of time for rounds." Sebastian breathes out with a smirk over his wet cock before taking it back and deep into his throat again. A broken moan escapes Chris's lips and it's a few more seconds until he's coming, right into Sebastian's mouth. He's floating on a cloud nine for a while, it was even better than he ever dreamed of. Still breathing hard, he pulls Sebastian up to him and kisses him, deep and dirty, sated but still thirsting for more. He can't get enough of this man, it's one of his worst addictions.

*****

The sun is rising when Sebastian finally falls asleep, legs tangled with Chris's and face buried in the pillow. Chris is tired as hell but happiest he's been in a very long time. They ended up fucking three times and Sebastian blowing him one more, because he's a little shit and enjoys taking Chris apart. And possibly loving his cock a bit more than Chris expected.

There is no mistake now that the craving between them is real and quite strong. It brings a bit of relief but it's still not the full thing. Honestly though, Chris is not even sure that he can imagine it ever becoming something more beyond the physical. Not that he doesn't want to, he really does, but he can't really see Sebastian choosing him over everyone else or his girlfriend. What they have now is good, it's not awkward and the sex is even more amazing than before. Despite all the insecurities Chris had about being with a man like this, it's not scary at all now.

He's watching Sebastian sleep, the curve of his smooth back rising and falling, the morning light making him look even more otherworldly. Chris realizes it's one of those moments when the only thing left is to be awed. And he is, for a moment his brain is quiet and he's simply enjoying the view and not thinking about anything else. They are here and together and maybe that's what matters most. Just taking what you get and enjoying the moments. Future isn't written yet and for once Chris doesn't even want to think about it.

*****

Chris feels fuzzy and nice, but something is making its presence in his dreams and soon it's pulling him away from his sleep. There is a wet nice feeling on his chest and an even better one between his legs. He moans even before opening his eyes and that wakes him up enough to realize that Sebastian is currently sucking his nipple and stroking his cock in nice slow pace while rubbing his own hard on over Chris's thigh.

"Mornin'," Sebastian rises his head and licks his lips with a smirk, all disheveled bed hair and sleepy eyes. "Sorry, woke up hard and you were half there too so.." He shrugs a little and grins, still working him slowly in his palm. Chris is about three seconds from having a heart attack because it feels like simply waking up into another dream. Shit, he loves morning sex and it's no surprise if Sebastian does too. And it's such a shame they never had time for that before.

"Still not enough from last night?" Chris asks with a smirk of his own before pulling Sebastian closer by his nape and sealing their lips together. It's a lazy and dirty kiss, tongues slowly exploring and gentle lip biting.

"I love your cock," Sebastian mumbles into the kiss and tugs on it harder. It only confirms Chris's suspicion from last night and he can't help another grin from spreading.

"Wanna ride it again, hm?" He asks then and massages Seb's ass with one hand. Sebastian really has a very nice ass.

"Yes, please." Is the reply he gets before he's reaching for the lube. Sebastian is already kissing his neck again, clearly excited by the prospect of continuing where they left off last night. Technically they changed a few positions during the night but what really gets to Sebastian most is riding Chris because his prostate is stimulated wonderfully like that. And honestly Chris loves watching him, even more with both of them sitting so he can lick and bite Sebastian's chest in the process.

But right now Chris wants to take his time, it's still early and he likes that lazy aspect of the morning sex. So when he slicks his fingers and enters Sebastian with one, he starts exploring more thoroughly; prodding and gauging his reactions. Sebastian is quite vocal so it's no surprise when he starts moaning into Chris's skin but it's still rough with sleep and really endearing at the same time. Chris is going to be the tease now and take _him_ apart, revenge is sweet.

After a while it's apparent that he's succeeding because there are profanities spilling from Sebastian's lips and he's desperately searching for any friction that will help him get off. But Chris is merciless and while having already three fingers inside of him, he's still not giving him what he wants. There is some begging now too but he's not giving in. Soon he finds the sweet spot and starts pressing it repeatedly, watching Sebastian almost sobbing with pleasure and completely falling apart above him. Chris is so tempted to let him come just like this, only with his fingers but his own cock is rock hard and he really wants to fuck this beautiful man that is currently in his arms. So he withdraws abruptly and watches how devastated Sebastian is, panting and on the verge of coming, and imprints this image deep into his memory.

"Shh, I'm gonna give it to you. Come here." He coos quietly and draws those sinful lips for a kiss. They calm down for a while and then Chris is sitting up and pulling Sebastian into his lap, rubbing their cocks together. They are gasping into each other's mouths and Chris is already slicking himself with lube. He doesn't even have to tell Sebastian what to do and the other is already sliding down his cock, shuddering with pleasure. Chris takes those slender hips into his hands and sets a slow pace, deep and hard. Sebastian melts into his arms and drapes himself over Chris's broad shoulders, moaning shamelessly into his neck. The noises Seb produces sound as if it's something he wanted for a long time and he's finally getting it. And Chris is falling a bit more in love with him yet again.

But as much as Chris would like to fuck him like this for hours, it escalates eventually and his thrusts become faster. He's holding Sebastian's ass while he's getting deeper and deeper, his mouth latched onto one nipple and letting out deep eager grunts. It feels like magic, it's unbelievable that something can feel so good and wonderful. He's close and Sebastian is probably even closer, so he takes his cock in one hand and bites on that nipple. Then he's rising his head to catch Sebastian's pretty mouth while he's bringing them both to the finish line. Sebastian is coming first, almost screaming with pleasure and Chris is following suit with a broken version of Sebastian's name on his lips. There is _I love you_ on his tongue too but he manages to keep it there for now.

****

Sebastian ends up spending the whole week over at Chris's house. He goes out to meet some of his friends or to Hollywood for more talk over movie deals. But the rest of the time they actually spend together with Chris. They go shopping, for drinks, some walks on the beach or simply to watch a movie. But mostly a lot of fucking, breakfasts, lazy afternoons and swimming in the pool and some more fucking.

Even if there was no tomorrow and if it was the only week in their lives like this, Chris won't forget a second of it or any inch of Sebastian's body he got to kiss or explore. He will always remember how the water reflects in those grey eyes, how his smile shines brighter than the sun and that specific scent that can almost be licked off Sebastian's tan skin. He will always be able to remember what it was like to take someone apart so completely that they fell asleep immediately after coming, to hear his little mewls and moans, to make him scream with pleasure. If this was the only week he was offered, Chris will take it.

****

It's the last day of that week and Sebastian has to fly back to NY in the afternoon but they are enjoying their last breakfast. It's simply sitting opposite each other, drinking coffee and laughing about some things but mostly just gossiping. Chris is trying not to think about the fact that this might be their last day ever like this and just babbles away about anything and everything while unconsciously playing footsie under the table with Sebastian's bare legs. They touch the subject of part-time jobs each of them had when they were young and Chris has to laugh at the image of Sebastian as a waiter.

"Shame I never went there at the time, I was still doing silly jobs around Boston and such." Chris shakes his head with regret. "I would've become that creepy regular who is secretly staring at your ass the whole time." He gives Sebastian a sly look combined with wiggling his eyebrows and Seb bursts into giggles.

"Oh, trust me you wouldn't be the only one. There were too many of those, men and women. I used to look like such a twink." He shakes his head and continues giggling. "But seriously, what were your part-times? I can't really imagine you doing anything... it's like imagining Captain America as a salesman." Sebastian hooks his ankle around Chris's and reaches for his coffee to take a large sip.

"Yeah, like I said. Such a shame." Chris answers and bites his lip with a momentary dreamy look in his eyes. Because honestly, he saw pictures and movies, Sebastian used to be even cuter than now. Chris would reconsider banging guys much sooner, particularly this one. "Uh, that'd be something to behold. It's enough he had to do the whole war bonds tour." He shudders and then just shrugs, "I dunno, here and there, acting camp once or some farming during summer. Nothing really that embarrassing, I guess." He chuckles but Sebastian's expression falls visibly, not in a bad way but as if he suddenly realizes something.

"Which acting camp?" He asks a bit incredulously and Chris answers him a bit confused. Sebastian laughs shortly and then asks him what year which Chris clarifies again. And then Sebastian is shaking his head in disbelief and laughs even more.

"Holy shit.... holy shit!" Seb exclaims and facepalms before sighing loudly. "It was the same year I went there too but I guess you were working as staff and I was just a kid going there for the first time." Chris frowns and now he's raking his mind really properly, because there is no way... right? That'd be ridiculous!

"It was what sold me to acting, the whole experience just brought me into this different world. It was great even when I was still awkward and my English sucked back then." Sebastian chuckles and shakes his head. While Chris's insides freeze because it finally clicks, when Sebastian mentions his English.. he suddenly remembers this boy, with a strange accent and cute crooked teeth. Of course he does, but he never got his name or where he was from, that's why he forgot about him afterwards and as life went on even about this whole camp which was mostly a pain in his ass. But now when he thinks about it, he remembers those huge grey eyes clearly, the same ones that are currently fixed on some invisible point in the past.

"I remember some of the more experienced kids showing us some stuff together, like different situations and we had to try them later too. And this one older kid, I don't remember much what it was about but he was so genuine in his performance, he really believed he was the role he was portraying for the moment. I was really hooked on it and decided I wanna be like that too.." He chuckles, "He also played piano and I was thinking how my mom would've liked that." Then he finally looks back at Chris who is staring at him as if someone punched him in the gut, Sebastian's face falls slowly and then he frowns. Both of them are staring at each other for a long time, Chris's heart is probably going to burst out of his ribcage. This must be some sick joke.. it's just impossible. Because if it was, it'd mean that faith does work its ways.

"That was me." Chris says finally, quiet and breathless. "Or I don't remember anyone else playing piano that year." He adds and then chuckles humorlessly. Sebastian is staring at him too, his eyes going wide for a moment and then he laughs. It's strangely nervous, for the first time in the whole week they spent together. Chris hasn't seen him like this ever since their first day of shooting back in Cap 1. But what it means, he can't really decide.

The moment is destroyed shortly though, by Sebastian's phone ringing and him getting up to get it distractedly. After that they don't get back to it and it stays somewhere forgotten like some surreal dream, a stupid story neither of them believes. It’s just too weird to be true anyway, right?

*****

Sebastian is back in New York, on the taxi ride to their apartment with Margosha. It’s strange suddenly to be coming back, as if that one week lasted actually a month. It exceeded all of his expectations. He honestly never thought this would happen. Sure, he guessed they would hook up for the first night but he thought that would be it. He didn’t even plan for them to see each other so soon this year in the first place. Also, Sebastian still thought Chris was mostly gay curious and what they did during the filming was only because of their characters' dynamics. He didn't expect this mindblowing experience, sex that you only dream of and so much more along with it too... And then that little revelation this morning.

Something is changing, he can feel it and it confuses him profoundly.

The taxi driver pulls him out of his thoughts and he gets out, getting his suitcase and paying for the ride. He's standing on the pavement and looking up their building. There's still that gnawing feeling in his gut, the memory of the last kiss they shared with Chris still on his lips and a lot more of other ones alive on his body. How is he going to come back to this old reality now? He's not sure but he goes into the building anyway and into the elevator.

Sebastian keeps his promises, or he tries to at least.

But a message pops up on his phone suddenly and his heart crashes against his mind. Fuck.

  
**Chris:**  
_I remember you too. Couldn't forget the kid with biggest grey eyes I've ever seen._


	2. Secret In My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend listening to [ Not In Love by Crystal Castles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32udqal_lyQ) and [Secret In My Heart by VAMPS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tame6R03mjc) ~

It's not like Sebastian doesn't want to write him, he does, but something continuously prevents him from doing it. Something inside him that is afraid to admit it, that he feels more than attraction to Chris.

Sebastian does write him messages, sometimes short but long ones too, when he can't keep it bottled up inside anymore. The problem is though that he never sends them. He's not a coward usually, when it comes to relationships, he's not afraid of them. He had a fair amount of them after all, some might say even a lot. But this whole situation is different somehow and he just can't figure out the solution to it.

 

**To Chris:**

14:23 10/24

_Hi, how are things? S._

 

18:44 10/26

_I was thinking, we should hang out in NYC sometime too. You still have a place here? S._

00:27 10/28

 _I_ _guess I miss you..._

 

21:52 11/7

_You know, it's not that I don't want to talk to you or that I'm avoiding you. I just don't know how to do this. And it's not about the cheating, even when I don't like that either. But I just.. what are we gonna do? How would we do it? It's not like we could come out to the world. It's just ridiculously complicated, all of this. So I don't know..._

 

04:12 11/8

_Is there even something to come out to? What were we even doing? Did it mean anything? I'm not sure myself...._

 

12:10 11/20

_Hi, Chris. I'm sorry I didn't text sooner. How is it going? I'm good. You still in LA? Sebastian_

 

01:32 11/22

_Fuck. I miss you so damn much. What is happening?_

 

02:14 11/25

_This is so stupid. Like, I live with her, I like fucking her. But it's not you, suddenly it's not enough. What did you do to me? And why did it come after so long? Just fucking...stupid._

02:33

_We should've fucked sooner. Ever since cap1 we should've been fucking like bunnies. why didn't we? you bastar-_

02:34

_Fuck this. I'm fucking over you. I wasn't even into you in the first place!_

 

10:25 11/25

_I'm a mess..._

 

After a month it feels like having an one-sided conversation and Sebastian is sure he's slowly losing his mind. It's taking its toll on him and he's aware of slipping into a state of constant irritation, some kind of silent anger bubbling underneath the surface. And also for some fucking reason he's _still_ not able to send a single fucking message to Chris. So he stops all of those pathetic attempts altogether and just decides instead to focus on getting over Chris. It was just sex, they had a great time and that was it.

Work comes too and he's actually pretty happy with the prospect of all those new roles. Especially the one where he's going to be an astronaut. An actual astronaut!! His childhood dream is somehow finally going to come true! And with a painful feeling in his chest, he also realizes that it's something he wants to share with Chris the most. Which isn't helping him in any way. But both of them are nerds like that and no one would really understand him like Chris does.

So he finally takes his phone and writes a simple message, his fingers shaking a little but he manages to actually send it in the end.

 

**To Chris:**

16:24 11/30

_Chris! I'm gonna be in a space movie about Mars!! I'm so excited!!!_

 

After he hits send, after two months of silence, Sebastian lets out a long breath. He stares some more at his phone but it doesn't light up back at him even after a few minutes. And not even during the rest of the day.

 

____________

 

For two months Chris has been slowly shaping back his life into some normal pattern again that doesn't include Sebastian or anything connected to him. He'd waited, a whole week after Seb left and Chris sent him that message. He'd waited day and night like a moron, for a single text or a call, but nothing came and Chris decided that this was it. That he's going to do something more with his life than wait around for a guy who's not able to write him a stupid message. Even if it was the sweetest guy on the planet and he was painfully in love with him.

He will invest his heart and energy into something more worthy of his time - work.

So Chris focuses on work, finds a script that speaks to him, makes all the preparations. Finally for the first time he's going to direct, do something he always dreamed of. It's coming up together really well and he couldn't be happier about it. Even when the budged is small and it won't be some huge movie, he still loves it. It's enough for him and it speaks to his soul, and it also helps him to heal his heart bit by bit, too. There is really no time to even dwell on such things as personal life when he's constantly so busy. That's the way he likes it, to be finally in control.

And when everything is almost ready, equipment and crew are booked, things are almost happening.. that message comes. Out of nowhere and absolutely unexpected. It stabs him like a knife aimed right to his chest. He stares at it and blinks a few times, can't really help the warm affection spilling into his gut from the sheer cuteness the message oozes. But he doesn't reply right away, he just can't bring himself to do it.

 

 **To Sebastian** :

11:45 12/2

_Congrats! I'm happy for you. Soon I'll be finally directing my first movie. I guess some dreams do come true. See you at the press tour. Chris_

 

After four days Chris finally manages to reply and not get a panic attack along with it. He almost had one two days ago and chickened out even before starting to write anything. Now he finally hits send and gazes outside the window of the train that is taking him to Boston. He's already went twice during the last months, to visit his parents and sisters, and he decided now would be the right time to do that again before the shooting starts. Also maybe because he needs to calm down again and his mother is a wonderful human being that helps him with everything in his life.

He didn't plan on telling her anything about his current love life situation, the first time he came home from LA, but it's his mother after all and she immediately knew something was up. After that he told her everything and she hugged him, long and tight before telling him that whatever he does, he should always choose what makes him happy. And sometimes it doesn't mean being with someone but work can be that happiness too.

And she was right. It was hard though at first, that silence again, especially since he was in New York for at least a month already now. But he quickly got used to that too and now he just simply pretends they aren't in the same city. The best solution for it all.

 

______________

 

So that was it then. Chris clearly indicated in his reply he doesn't want to see him until their promotion for The Winter Soldier starts. That settled everything. And so slowly Sebastian set his feelings to the 'Moving On' mode. Whatever had started evolving inside before, and however wonderful the memories of that week together were, it was better for everyone if he simply forgot. And fuck everything about faith or destiny, he doesn't believe in this bullcrap anyway.

He slowly pushes his life back to what it used to be before all that and he focuses on his work the most. After all at least two of his movies are something he's really looking forward to doing. Maybe actually all of them.

And that's how the time of his 'Moving On' phase progresses, without communication and in complete silence. There are still some moments when he feels a sudden urge to tell Chris something only two of them would understand. But he always stops and thinks better of it.

Really bad are the flashbacks though. Because they sometimes come uninvited and in the worst possible moments. It's easy to cover them up during the day and pretend nothing at all is happening. But the most painful ones are at night when he can't sleep or when he actually does sleep and dreams about those hot nights during that week in LA. Those are still the times when he grabs his phone and starts writing a message again, but he doesn't even finish any of them anymore and just gets up to go for a smoke in the cold of the New York winter air.

Christmas is around the corner, New Year's along with it.. and that just depresses him even further.

He also knows he's not that subtle as he'd like to think. Sebastian sees the way Margosha sometimes looks at him, as if she knows. And she probably really does, even though she chooses to stay silent about it. Sebastian is here and with her and that's what matters the most.

Right?

 

____________

 

"It's been a wonderful experience working with those amazing people. And.. I just couldn't be more happy about it. Everything really, yeah. Thank you." People are applauding and flashes of cameras are everywhere. They go around and around, talking to friends and important people, reporters asking questions and some more pictures on top. Chris is in the close proximity of Sebastian after so many months again and his whole body is tingling with nerves. But he still manages to put on the smile and never fail to present an easy camaraderie with his fellow co-star to the cameras and reporters. In theory they _are_ still good friends. Only that 'with benefits' part is gone for good probably.

So that's why right now Chris wishes to be far away from here more than anything else. Really, the last thing he wants is to keep pretending for hours how much he wants to stay. He is proud of their work, really is, but.. his unease is stronger than anything else.

He's the first one to escape the after party. He doesn't even bother saying goodbye. It's rude and probably incredibly fucked up from him. But he can't stand it, not today.

Even after all those months, he's not over Sebastian. Not even one bit. And that rips him apart, making him feel like he's helplessly falling. Just like in that last scene of their movie; drowning in a dark, cold river again. But there is no one to pull him out this time, certainly not Sebastian.

 

_________

 

It's the last after party of their press tour. Scarlett is here and Mackie; all of their friends gathered up for the occasion and it's a really fun night, Chris has to admit it. They even decide to ditch the fancy banquet and just find a karaoke bar where they can continue their night probably until the early morning hours.

And it's indeed around 4AM already when they decide it's time to break it up and go give some rest to their old bones. Majority of them are in a state of giggly intoxication, Grillo a bit on the touchy gay side but that's okay, everyone is laughing it off anyway. Chris has been also drinking and maybe a bit too much too, but only to drown out Sebastian's voice and laugh, even just the sound of it is drilling holes into his chest. He's been careful all night to sit as far as he can, probably avoiding him a bit and certainly not striking any conversation with him. It's harder than he thought it would but Chris knows it has to be this way. 

 

What Chris doesn't see though are the looks Sebastian occasionally gives him when he's not watching. They are fleeting and nobody even notices them but they are there. It's like they are playing some sort of stupid game again, Sebastian thinks. It annoys him, it's awkward and stiff. Even Scarlett asks him at some point if everything between them is alright. Of course, everything is great, why would she ask that, nothing to worry about.

Except the fact that even after that long period of silence on the both sides, Sebastian still isn't able to fill up that empty space inside of him. Something doesn't feel right ever since last October. And that is a long time already, even with work filling up the time in between.

 

"So how was.. how did the directing go?" Sebastian asks him when all of them are slowly piling out of the bar. It takes some time to call them cabs and pay the drinks, so they actually are able to steal a little moment to themselves with their cigarettes. It's awkward though, even when both of them are quite drunk.

"Great, really awesome." Chris is grinning after blowing out the smoke through his full lips. Sebastian tries not to stare.

"I'm glad, can't wait to see it." He smiles too and takes a drag of his own. They are close, much closer than during the whole night. And since Sebastian loses most of his inhibitions while drunk, he licks his lips and bites the bottom one, and just drops his gaze to Chris's ones. He lost the battle inside him by now and the desire is once again written all over his face. Fuck, he wants Chris so much, he wanted him this whole time even when he tried to tell himself the opposite.

"And you? How was the space project?" Chris asks him in return, his grin dropping and his gaze as well. Which means both of them are kinda stupidly watching each other like hungry dogs, smoking their cigarettes, only to have something to do else than tear at their clothes, and gripping on the last straws of any sense left in their intoxicated minds.

"Haven't done it yet. Going to Budapest next month to shoot it." Sebastian can hear Chris's sharper inhale on the way he pronounced the name of the city. He knows Chris finds it sexy when he pronounces some names a bit differently than the native English speakers. And he probably did it on purpose right now too, because he's going crazy with want and it's making him act reckless.

"Sebastian.." Chris breaths out instead of continuing with their conversation, clearly caught on the way it's almost cracking between them with tension. And Sebastian is throwing away his cigarette butt, licking his lips again and reaching for Chris's wrist. He's opening his mouth to suggest for them to quickly disappear and go to his hotel room.. Fuck all consequences and fuck Chris's obvious resolve to ignore him this whole press tour.

"Chris! The cab is here! Get your sorry ass inside and let's go!" Mackie is calling from the car and Scarlett is waving at him grinning like crazy. And just like that, the moment is broken, lost somewhere in the streetlights and shiny puddles left by the rain.

Chris blinks down at Sebastian, opening his mouth like a fish a few times and it looks as if he suddenly woke up from some kind of daze. He mumbles a hasty good night and stumbles quickly into the cab. And Sebastian is left standing on the wet street, dizzy and confused but mostly still turned on. Damn his life.

 

______________

 

Months roll by like clouds, slowly but steadily and changing constantly with the wind which is his life itself. Another summer comes too, filled with work and beach visits, and memories are buried bit by bit into the sand between Sebastian's toes. He thinks that maybe things are finally looking up, that he's getting over everything that happened in the past year and he's able to continue without the burden that's been weighting on his chest until now.

But the thing is, even if he doesn't believe in faith, it still comes and kicks him in the shins.

He's back home in New York for a while, getting some time off in between work and slowly starting his preparations for the third Captain America movie. He's certainly not looking forward to it for many reasons but at the same time there is this tiny thread of excitement that is woven into every thought concerning its shooting. Of course everything revolves around Chris. But he's telling himself that it's going to be okay, he's over him by now and with a bit of a mental preparation he will handle it just perfectly. They will be friends again and everything will work out.

With all of these positive thoughts, he walks into one of his favorite Starbucks joints where he often gets coffee and reads books for a bit. He likes public places in this city for some reason, it reminds him of his much younger times when he was working as a waiter. Meeting people or just watching them sometimes is pretty interesting. And so he does just that, he forgoes his reading for a moment and just watches the shop with some music playing in his earbuds. He's generally not paying close attention to all the faces because his thoughts are still with the plot of the book, but one figure that just walks in catches his eye and suddenly it feels as if the world has stopped all around him.

It's Chris. It's Chris in a light black coat, dark pants and with a really sexy beard.

Sebastian's heart jumps into his throat and his eyes widen in a momentary shock. His whole body feels as if he's frozen in Hydra's damn cryochamber or something. This must be some fucking sick joke. He's supposed to be calm about this. He's over him dammit! What is happening? It's only because he wasn't expecting him, that's all, right? Right! It just took him by surprise and it has nothing to do with how gorgeous Chris looks. Nothing at all. AT ALL!

Chris is ordering his coffee and Sebastian steals some more of his private creepy glances. He also hopes Chris is going to take his coffee to go and leave without noticing him. But then Sebastian notices the rain that started pouring outside and gulps with the horrible realization that this won't probably be the case. And the next moment it's already too late anyway because Chris is looking around for a seat and notices Sebastian. Who tries to look as if he just saw him too, he's a very good actor after all. He can't even count how many times it'd saved his ass in the past.

"Hey! What a coincidence! I didn't expect to meet you here." Chris is already sitting down opposite him, all smiles and radiating warmth like some goddamn sun. Sebastian is still in a mild shock and returns the light hug he's being given in a bit of a daze.

"Uh, me neither. I didn't even know you were back in New York." He's trying to appear casual and as if nothing is wrong. But he's not even sure anymore that anything was wrong to start with, because Chris acts as if the past year has never even happened. Sebastian is once again simply confused.

They talk about everything, exchanging updates on their lives and work, it's fine for a while. But as the hour ticks by and the rain continues, their smiles get more teasing and their looks start to linger. It's as if they simply can't help it, like there's something between them that's pulling them in and both of them are absolutely powerless against it. Sebastian actually does feel pretty helpless in the face of such warmth and beauty. It's ridiculous how both of them are obviously trying to fight it, to not be dragged down that path again, to just stay casual to each other.

"So.. you have any plans for today?" Chris asks suddenly with a bit of a hesitation while looking out of the window, the rain finally stopped and people are milling down the street again. Sebastian bites his lip before answering and his heart stutters.

"No, you?" He finally says and ignores the vibration his phone gives in his pocket. It must be from Margarita, probably asking him if he wants to go out for dinner or something. He can't find it in him to care right now, he can already feel the sweet taste of forbidden apples on his tongue. And when Chris turns back to look at him, he knows he can feel it too. Their eyes meet, silent communication passes and Sebastian's lips open a fracture because his breath is quickening. He's sure Chris can see the slight flush in his cheeks and recognize already the signs of that desire. Sebastian wants to kiss him and touch him so badly it's not even funny.

It takes them seconds and they are already out of the shop, walking side by side down the street, hands in the pockets of a coat and a jean jacket. Chris only mumbles that his place is not far, Sebastian chuckles and kicks the puddle with the tip of his boot. This is so bad, he is so bad. But it's stronger than him and he is indeed powerless.

 

___________

 

It's raining outside again, thick ropes of water tumbling down the windows of Chris's loft. It's been already a few hours since both of them stumbled inside, tearing at each others' clothes and gasping into their mouths. When Chris woke up today, he certainly wasn't expecting this turn of events. But it's not like he wants to complain.

Right now Sebastian is splayed on his stomach, eyes closed and his face an image of bliss. They fucked two times already and Sebastian gave him an amazing blowjob before that, impatient just like always. And even though Chris knows he should feel bad about this, he can't find it in him. How can he regret something that feels so wonderful and natural? He's been beating himself for months, getting over Sebastian and even trying to find someone else. But everything is in vain when it comes to him. Chris is not able to forget his smile, his scent, his voice. Nothing helped.  
He used to be so angry about it too, about the whole past year, but then he realized both of them were at fault. And most of all, he had no right to be angry when Sebastian simply wanted to preserve his public image and relationship. Chris was the wrecking ball, he should've taken what he could get.

Earlier today, when he saw him sitting at that table, clear grey eyes staring right at him.. he was just pulled in and stopped caring about anything else. This might not be the right thing, but like his mom said, he should do what makes him happy. And when he's with Sebastian, he feels on the top of the world.

"Hey," He bends down to kiss Sebastian's bare shoulder, "don't fall asleep on me. I'm not gonna wake you up, you know." Chris chuckles and lightly drags the tips of his fingers down Sebastian's spine, one of his favorite paths on this man's body.

"Mmm," Sebastian opens one eye slightly and grins at him sleepily, "I'm not. It just feels really nice." He mumbles and then lets out a long sigh. They're quiet for a moment and it does feel nice actually, the light coming from the roof windows is soft and grey but not depressing. It's warm and comfortable, they are again in a sort of secluded piece of their own world. Chris has forgotten what it was like, a year ago in LA, just the two of them in his house.

And suddenly he realizes one more thing: it is indeed quiet. His own brain is for once in his life absent of its constant noise. And it knocks the breath out of him for a moment. He's never seen anything more clearly.

"Hey, Seb?" He chokes out quietly, trembling a little with that sudden realization.

"Mhm?" The other man asks him, his eyes still closed but when Chris still doesn't respond, he turns around on his back and opens his eyes. Chris is scared but at the same time really sure in what he needs to do now.

"Seb.." Chris takes a breath and looks right into those steel grey eyes, "stay with me. Please. Stay." He says quietly with all the sincerity of his heart.

But Sebastian's reaction isn't exactly what he imagined it would be. He realizes right away how naïve and foolish he was because the only response is a dead silence. It's instantly filled with his own brain's noise that comes like that storm outside and Chris can already feel his world crumbling.

"Oh, Chris.." Sebastian closes his eyes and there's pain written all over his face. And Chris thinks that he never truly knew what a broken heart felt like until this moment. He should've fucking known he's still alone in all this.

"I'm sorry. Uh, it's ok.. I just.. uh." Chris is already withdrawing back from him and trying to save as many broken pieces of himself as he can. But what he doesn't really expect is a warm body suddenly draping itself over his back and Sebastian's nose buried in his neck.

"Wait, Chris! God, just wait." Sebastian is mumbling into his skin and Chris can feel another wildly beating heart from behind. He closes his eyes tightly and tries not to break down completely.

"I just.. I want to. I really want to." Sebastian's whispering, as if the world could hear him and judge him for it. "You have no idea how much I miss you sometimes. Some days I look at my life and I just want to scream because you are not in it. I missed you like crazy these past months, hell this whole past year! And I can't... I just couldn't allow myself to do it, to reach out. I'm scared, Chris.. I'm so fucking scared." Sebastian is breathing hard and trembling. Chris reaches up and takes his hand, intertwining their fingers. He feels as if his insides were torn apart, that's how much pain those words just brought him. But he can't hold it in anymore, the words are clawing out of his mouth.

"I love you... I love you still so damn much, Seb." He whispers back, his eyes still closed and his chest feels like it's open and slowly bleeding out. There's a broken sob of his name and Sebastian is turning him around, their lips meet in a feverish kiss and Chris feels so, so lost. They don't even have to say it to know that the feeling is mutual, that both of them were living like hollow shells until now without the other.

"I'm scared too," Chris breathes into Sebastian's reddened lips, "but I am not scared of wanting you anymore. Be with me, please Sebastian, just be with me." He frames that beautiful face with his palms and presses their foreheads together. Somewhere outside a thunder rumbles and the storm continues, the rain separating them still from everything. And the same wild storm is visible in Sebastian's eyes that are the color of the clouds, he's obviously fighting his own fears and weighting all of their options. But Chris knows that everything is possible if they really want it.

"Alright." He answers finally and Chris's grin threatens to split his face in half. "Okay but I need to figure things out first. I have to talk to her, I have to make it right. She deserves it." He runs his fingers through Chris's hair and tugs a little. Chris is nodding quickly and hugging him tightly, happiness is spreading through his whole body like a wildfire.

"Everything you need. Anything you want. I'll be here, I'll wait as long as it takes." He promises into his skin, kissing every inch he can and he still can't believe his luck. This probably has to be the happiest day of his life. And Sebastian is laughing quietly too, kissing his neck and then also his lips.

"I love you too, you dork." He mumbles back with a grin and they continue kissing until the storm outside passes.

 

_____________

 

Nothing is as simple as it seems and things never work out just the way we want them. Because the next day, while Chris is drinking his morning coffee, a message from Sebastian comes and he almost drops his mug on the white tiles of his kitchen.

 

**To Chris:**

10:14 9/17

_She's pregnant. But we're getting an abortion. I'm so sorry, Chris, but I need to stay with her until we work this out. I'll call you when it's over. I miss you. Sebastian_

 

And Chris feels as if he's slowly shattering under the weight of his own feelings.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also I'm aware of the timeline with Margo not being accurate, they started dating (again) later than in this fic but this is only for a drama purposes XD same as this ending!  
> sorry for that too though XD don't kill me!


	3. Drove Through Ghosts To Get Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for such wonderful support and encouragement, it's part of the reason I felt inspired to finish this and of course also because Chris&Seb are just two gorgeous compatible beings.
> 
> Also I did some much needed edits on the previous chapter so you can go read it if you want XD.
> 
> As always songs I've been listening to and found very fitting:  
> [Hiding by Florence+the Machine](https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2vap1h_florence-and-the-machine-hiding-lyrics_music) ( seriously those lyrics.. those lyrics!! absolutely Chris's side at the beginning of this chapter )  
> [Youth by Daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEpMj-tqixs) ( overall for the whole chapter and them in general ♥ )  
> [Drove Through Ghosts To Get Here by 65daysofstatic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAZEcg8NLtM) ( favorite band&song and it fits the ending )  
> and at the very end I recommend imagining any song by [Marvin Gaye](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEzCbt_R18Q).. because yeah XD

 

 

When something breaks it's often difficult to fix it and for the pieces to fall together again like they used to. There will always be this chip or crack and in time they'll fall apart again.

When it comes to losing something, you didn't even had a chance to have in the first place, it leaves you sometimes with this strange feeling of hollow longing. But you can't fulfill it or maybe you don't even want to. And mainly you are just confused and not in a nice headspace.

Sebastian never wanted kids, he doesn't particularly hate them, but imagining himself as a father always felt like too much of a sci-fi even for him. He's often barely able to take care of himself, let a alone another human being who'd be depending on him. But now when there actually was a chance of him becoming a father.. it suddenly struck a chord inside him.

But the thing is... he wants something or rather someone else now. And as much as he likes his girlfriend, he knows she isn't the family type either. That's why he doesn't dwell on those thoughts and just stores them away. Maybe he will reach for them in a few years again, maybe not.

 

It was probably the most cliché way how to fuck up something good. Sebastian even thought it was some stupid joke at first when he came home very late that night. But it wasn't. It just happens sometimes, even to the most average people in every part of the world. He just wished it didn't to him because it meant another added obstacle to the pile that was already growing in the way of his love for Chris.

 

So they proceed with the abortion, it's over quickly but it's still scary despite how much they try telling each other it isn't. And each day after that is pain, emotionally the most. Sebastian sees her struggling with things she doesn't even understand and he himself is not alright with it either. He also isn't quite able to write Chris or call him too. Again. Even when the longing inside is slowly clawing a hole through his heart. Sebastian also feels guilty and selfish for thinking about running away to someone else now, when a human being is falling apart right in front of his eyes. And he had an equal part in it, too. How can he afford to add even more to this pain? He might've been a bastard often in his past but this is just not fair to anyone.

So he stays and waits. And with every rainstorm that comes over the New York skyline, his heart dies a little bit more.

 

\---------------------------

 

Chris regrets ever falling in love again.

He doesn't know how to erase Sebastian from every corner of his life anymore. Doesn't matter if Chris is staying in New York or LA, every piece of furniture or coffee mug reminds him of him. The look in those bright grey eyes gazing back at him, or a ringing dorky laugh over their breakfast. His brain just won't shut up, and his memories sometimes threaten to overflow his mind and suck him into the black hole of his past. And also more often than not, he wants to simply rip out the heart of his chest, put it in a jar and throw it into the ocean.

He was so fucking stupid for even thinking this could actually happen. At what point of his life any of his relationships actually ever worked out? Not one.

That's why he's where he is now, sitting alone in his New York loft and trying to distract himself by reading a book, even though his mind keeps running miles away from every page. He feels utterly lost and can't get rid of the bitter taste on his tongue for days, maybe even weeks.

Sebastian hasn't called or texted for a whole month. Chris thought he could do this, he was used to it after all. But no, not now and not like this. He already had like five anxiety attacks during this past fucking month and he hates it so much that he's this close to punching his fist through a wall. He also feels betrayed and most of all defeated.

Oh yeah, and he's also angry, too. He's so fucking angry all the fucking time.

Chris slams the book down and gets up. Rage is slowly bubbling under his skin, and he knows that if he doesn't do something soon, it threatens to spill out in a form of him breaking some piece of furniture. Again. So instead of doing that, he rather hits the gym. Again. The third Captain America movie production is coming up in a few months so he needs to prepare for that anyway. No one needs to know that he's mostly just punching away his anger into the sandbags as if he was really Steve Rogers. And maybe sometimes he is, it makes it even easier to forget the reality...

 

\--------------------

 

_Sebastian is giggling sweetly into his neck, Chris can feel the ghost of the warm breath and the press of his naked body. The tan skin smells so inviting, always like a piece of heaven._

_"Chris, Chris.. stop it, that tickles! Oh!" Sebastian is begging him slightly out of breath but Chris isn't stopping his fingers from running up and down those shaped thighs that are currently straddling his hips. He feels so fucking in love; his chest feels so full with love for this man above him._

_"Alright, alright.. stoppin' now." He's laughing too and wraps Seb in a hug under the covers. It has already stopped raining outside some time ago and that means Sebastian has to go soon, but they are still stealing just a moment more for themselves. Earlier they finally confessed their feelings, after all the turmoil, and that's not something you run away from in haste._

_"You're impossible! Torturing people you love." Sebastian rises his head and looks down at him, eyes sparkling with mirth and affection. He looks so innocent and pure and Chris wonders how in the world did he manage to get so lucky and deserve this human being._

_"Oh, but that's the best kind of torture! And only I'm allowed to do that to you, to make you squirm and laugh.." Chris grins and pulls him for a short kiss, not having enough of feeling that gorgeous smile against his lips. "... God, Seb, I want you all to myself. Is that wrong?" He whispers then, a bit more serious, but with a gut-wrenching honesty._

_"No.. not at all. You're already mine and I'm not letting you go again." Sebastian whispers back hotly into Chris's lips and claims them afterwards for another deep and loving kiss._

Chris wakes up in the middle of the night, half hard and with a hollow pain in his chest. And because no one can see him now, he simply starts crying quietly into his pillow. He just doesn't understand it. Why is this happening to him?

 

\-------------------------

 

Fall passes over New York so quickly Sebastian doesn't even notice it being gone and suddenly there are snowflakes already falling from the sky. Christmas is coming once again too and that means going through the same routine like every year. Madness that includes families and the Jewish traditions from Margosha's side, it feels so much like a married life already.... but Sebastian suddenly pulls his mind to a stop.

He's walking down the street and stops in his tracks altogether. It just strikes him that he doesn't have to do all of that anymore... he can simply walk away now. It would be a real dick move at such time of the year sure but.. he had promised something to Chris. And to himself, too. So he might as well finally act on it.

Sebastian looks up into the street lights above him, and at the busy life of New York around. There is a Jewish bakery across the street. He knows which cakes Margosha likes to get from there, and the way she likes her coffee and how Betty loves him as her own dad. It's not easy to pull away, to leave all of this behind, even when it's not what it used to be anymore. But they did build something over the time and he will always remember it. That's how his heart works, it doesn't forget even when the feelings died a long time ago.

A gay couple then walks by the shop, two guys holding hands and one of them has a nice beard. Sebastian's eyes fill with moisture instantly because it feels like a low blow. It's a glaring reminder of what he keeps pushing away but at the same time of what he can't ever fully have. A love that he doesn't have to hide in front of the world. The risks of them ever coming out are just too high. The price both would pay too cruel, no matter what reaction public gives them. The press would crush them and mainly Chris, Sebastian knows he's not ready for this kind of pressure.

He rubs his eyes dry with the sleeve of his jacket and with a deep sigh continues walking down the street. He should get home quickly and walk Betty, there is a ton of things he should be doing right now. But none of it is what he really wants.

 

\-------------------

 

**To Sebastian:**

18:12 12/24

_Hi, Seb. How are you?  I just.. I miss you. And I guess I want you to know that I still didn't give up on you, on us. I'm still waiting and I probably always will. Merry Christmas. Chris_

 

\--------------------

 

It's  New Year's Day and Chris is still in Boston, all the family has gathered together and he's honestly enjoying the time with the kids and his siblings. Most of all though with his mom, she is no less than amazing as usual. His heart still aches for Sebastian but he's already so used to the pain, that he doesn't even remember what it was like living without it.

He texted Sebastian before Christmas and he also got a reply which was vague on the details but clear in one thing - that Sebastian misses him too. It rekindled the little flame of hope that was slowly dying during the past months.

Chris is certain Sebastian is hiding again, he doesn't know though exactly from what. They are both still afraid of the many ways this could go wrong. But he feels like this is not the only reason behind Sebastian's silence. Chris is going to wait anyway, it's what he does all the time after all. He gives him time and tries to project less of his own insecurities into the whole thing. He focuses more on building something solid that both of them can share together when it finally happens. He wants this to work, for once in his life.

 

The fireworks are going off all over the sky, whole Boston is celebrating and probably the rest of the East Coast too. Chris and Scott are firing their own pyrotechnics but making sure the kids don't go anywhere near it. Both had probably already too much to drink too but why the hell not, it's the beginning of a new year and a reason to celebrate.

After the midnight toast they decide to go to a bar, since the kids went to sleep and their sisters with them. The night is long and Chris always liked partying with Scott, even if it was sometimes just to keep an eye on him.

They go to the local gay club, because again - why the hell not! They're in a good mood and as soon as they walk inside, everyone starts cheering. There are a lot of drunk guys and Chris attracts attention as usually but he's not bothered by it, not anymore. Scott sees it and just pats Chris's shoulder with a little knowing smile, that probably also says he should just enjoy himself and maybe forget about everything for tonight. Chris considers it as a good idea too because the alcohol is pleasantly buzzing in his head and he doesn't feel the pain that much right now.

After an hour or so, when Chris is in a talking mood already, he finds himself at the bar with a nice guy with blue eyes and quite a sinful mouth. Yeah, he's aware of how pathetic his choice is but he's drunk and he doesn't want to listen to his brain for once. And as he's watching the guy's lips, he catches himself wishing for them to suck him off. Maybe he would forget for a moment all those worries and fears that are still lurking behind his every move. He would forget that Sebastian is still with her, despite all the hope Chris still harbors. Why should he hold himself back, right? Just for tonight, it can't hurt.

But as Chris is about to suggest they disappear somewhere else, his own pocket starts buzzing and he pulls out his phone in confusion. It could be Scarlett or Mackie calling him to wish him happy New Year. But it's Sebastian's name flashing on the screen and it's around 4AM.

"Hey.. Seb.." Chris mumbles into the phone and stumbles out of the bar, his heartbeat speeding up.

"Chris! Christopher.. Chris." Sebastian sounds pretty drunk himself.

"Yes it's me, Seb." Chris chuckles and leans on the cold wall outside, not a care in the world that it's freezing and he's wearing only a shirt and a cardigan. "Happy New Year, Sebby." He mumbles and it's surprisingly cheerful.

"Happy New Year, Christopher!" Sebastian giggles into the phone and there are sounds of a bar somewhere in the background too. "I just wanted to hear you. I suddenly felt like hearing your voice." The background noise disappears almost completely so Sebastian probably went outside too.

"It's nice to hear you too, Seb." Chris's heart is suddenly going a mile in a minute. He loves that voice so, so much. "How.. how are you?"

"I miss you... Hell, I fucking miss you like crazy. Fuck. Chris, Chris... why am I not with you now? Where are you and why are you not here?" Sebastian's voice is desperate and Chris has to close his eyes and lean his head on the wall behind him. He wasn't expecting such open confessions right in the first hours of this year.

"I'm in Boston now.. just a few hours away. I really miss you too. Should I come?" He asks a bit out of breath because the torment inside him is almost unbearable.

"No, no, I'm with her, I don't want her to know it's you. Fuck, maybe she knows, whatever. I want to protect you... I want to keep you only to myself. In a little box, just the two of us. Chris.. Chris?" Sebastian is babbling, as if he kept everything inside for far too long and now it's spilling like a broken dam.

"Yeah, I'm still here.. I'm here." Chris is smiling even when everything hurts now.

"You're so precious, Chris, you're so precious to me. Do you know that?" Sebastian whispers brokenly. A beat of silence follows.

"I love you, Seb.." A whisper back.

"I still love you, too. And it's so messed up. Just like this fucking dirty snow here. I don't want us to end up like that dirty snow, you know. I want it to.. work. I want to be with you!" Sebastian doesn't make much sense now but Chris can hear the frustration in his voice and then there is a little shaky sigh. No, Chris doesn't want him to cry, not because of him.

"Listen Seb, listen to me! It's gonna work. We will somehow make it work! Look up, don't look at the snow and look at the stars. No idea if you can see them over there but here I can see a few of them. And we're gonna be just like them, the ones you love so much." He's trying to calm him down, to reach out over the distance between them even if it's only a few hours. But right now it feels like they are at the opposite sides of the world.

"And planets too... I love you so much, Chris. Have I said that already?" His voice is silent and there is a kind of stillness coming from Sebastian's end of the line, as if he's holding his breath.

"You have but I won't ever get tired of hearing it. Just.. just come back to me, Seb? I'll be down in New York in a few days, come over. You know where I live." Chris doesn't really care how pathetic he sounds right now.

"I can't.. I need to.. I have to explain it..I-" Sebastian sounds so panicked suddenly.

"Shhh.. shhh. Just come over, alright? You don't need to do this alone, I wanna be there for you. We're in this together." Sebastian sniffles from the other end and clears his throat.

"I just.. I just want to hold your hand while walking down the street, you know. I want to adopt puppies with you." A wet chuckle. "I want us to go on dates and do mundane things, like shopping for groceries together. I don't wanna hide this, Chris,  I don't wanna hide this side of me that loves you. But we don't have a choice.. do we?" Chris can hear the tears coming and he knows it's what Sebastian buries most of the time inside. He wants to tell him they could do all those things together but he knows it's not true, they both know it. Not yet and probably not even in the near future. His own eyes fill with moisture and he lets out a deep sigh.

"You don't have to hide it from me at least, for now, because I want all of those things too and more. I want every piece of you, Sebastian." Chris whispers and he can hear Sebastian breathing and beginning to respond but before he can do that there is a voice calling him from the background. Chris grits his teeth and feels like punching the wall behind him now.

"I gotta go.. I'll-I'll text you. I'll figure it out. I need to see you." And before Chris can answer that, the line goes dead and he doesn't even feel the cold around him because he's left with even colder feeling of dread inside.

 

\--------------------

 

It's probably the wildest and most desperate sex they ever had. When Chris opened the door that morning, it took only a few seconds before Sebastian was all over him and they were kissing like teenagers, all sloppy and hungry. They didn't even make it to the bedroom and so that's why they ended up on the kitchen table with Sebastian's thighs wrapped around Chris's middle.

"When did you get so gorgeous? Even more than before.. " Chris is moaning into Sebastian's neck and digging his fingers into his pretty ass. He remembers him all muscular and shaped but what was under the clothes he took off of him earlier today simply blew his mind. Sebastian looks like some Greek god now, ripped torso and arms and not to mention those fucking thighs. Chris wants to make love to him until the end of times.

"Speak for yourself, that beard's doing things to me, you fucker." Sebastian is moaning right back and keeping up with Chris's sharp thrusts inside of him. He's tugging him down for another breathless kiss and they are both close judging by the quickening of their already erratic movements. It's really so strange how they are able to fall right back into it, as if they've seen each other only yesterday but in reality it's been months since their last sex, last kiss, everything. A lot of things change over time but this between them, this connection and attraction, it seems to never run out and it's exactly the way it was five years ago when they first met.

Sebastian suddenly throws his head back and screams with pleasure as he's coming and Chris is not far behind. After that both of them collapse on the table, some things fall to the floor but neither of them care. They're a mess of limbs and sweaty bodies, panting and clutching to each other still with that kind of desperation that doesn't seem to fade even after the sex they just had.

Chris kisses Sebastian's collarbone and then continues up his neck to the lips he's been missing so much for months now. Both are still greedy, one round wasn't enough at all and it used to be often only few minutes for one of them to start getting hard again. Now it's no different and Chris feels like never slipping out of this hot body underneath him, or at least for a few hours. But they need to talk, they don't have much time today and Sebastian managed to finally get away only under the pretence of going on a morning run.

"We need to figure this out, I can't go on much longer without you." Chris pants into Seb's lips as soon as they part, he still refuses to let go of him though.

"It took too long. I took too long, I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry." Sebastian mumbles back and looks so guilty and remorseful, that Chris wants to just make love to him all over again. Instead he silences him with another kiss and they lose themselves in it for a moment.

"It's okay, I don't want you to beat yourself over it. I told you I'll wait and it was damn well worth it." Chris smiles down dopily at him and kisses the tip of his nose. Sebastian grins back and they kiss again, for like the hundredth time this morning. They're finally lost together in it all and still so, so fucking in love.

"We don't have to tell the world though. We can keep it between us and our friends." Sebastian says, after they part again. "It's gonna be hard but I'm willing to do anything, my life without you doesn't feel whole anymore." He takes Chris's face into his hands and those big grey eyes are gazing so lovingly up at him. Suddenly a piece of memory flashes through Chris's mind, those same eyes staring at him with admiration and shyness so many years ago, when they were just silly little boys. He suddenly remembers with astounding clarity, how Sebastian's face used to be so much softer and gentler back then. And before he knows it, he's overwhelmed with a flood of emotions.

"We will make it work, I promise. We're gonna be alright. I love you so much, Sebastian." He presses their foreheads together and laughs, his eyes full of emotions. Sebastian is biting his bottom lip and caresses Chris's face before they resume kissing again, and again and again.

 

\-------------------

 

Sebastian remembers what it felt like not to belong anywhere, not to have a real home in the whole wide world. He was small when his mom whisked him away into a country where everyone spoke German or Czech. He didn't understand a word and at first it made him cling to his mom's hand even harder.

But after some time he found out there were a lot more chocolates and cakes in this city, people weren't so poor around them and they liked his mom's playing. He loved listening to his mom playing the piano, it was the sound of his childhood and he remembers them all - Chopin, Mozart, Bach or Tchaikovsky. He also made friends at school quite fast too, there were more foreign kids around, everyone was running away from the poverty the communism left behind in Eastern Europe.

Him and his mom ran away from the pediatric HIV epidemic that spread like a plague in Constanta. He never saw her so scared in his life when their school announced already at least 10 cases of it. It took only a week for them to be packed and on the road to Austria. His mom sold everything they owned back then and the piano was the first to go.

He clutched on his Pooh bear as they rattled on the longest bus ride in his life through Romania and Hungary, he remembers wondering if the mountains could touch the stars of the night sky above. It was so, so beautiful and exciting.

Later on, when they flew to America it wasn't so exciting anymore because he found out just how much he doesn't like flying. But still, the stars were even closer from up there. He realized that it doesn't matter where exactly he is, he'll be alright as long as he can see the night sky.

America seemed so strange and large, everything was so big here - cities, fields, distances. It was a bit overwhelming at first but he liked it in the end too. Sometimes in summer the stars felt like they were really close, as if he could touch them. He used to spend hours upon hours of just watching the sky until he fell asleep. It felt peaceful and so far away from all the poverty and sickness back at home.

Home. He remembers often wondering at the beginning 'Is this it? Are we going back now?' whenever there was a trouble of them settling in, when some kids gave him hell at school or when his mom and step-dad fought once in a while. He used to count months and then years of them staying in America, at first still thinking that this was temporary and they would go back one day again. But as the time passed, he stopped thinking of it as home and it became only a sad past he left behind.

 

And so it feels kinda familiar now too, when he packs his things a month later in Margosha's place, after they decided with Chris for him to move in to his loft in New York. He loads them into the taxi waiting in front of the building. He's moving again, changing the scenery, even if it's still in the same city. He's leaving a place he used to call home and plunging into an uncertain future once again.

She's not there and neither is Betty, they decided it was for the best this way. No need for dramatic goodbyes and tears, it's what it is and in the end this is not the end of the world. He knows she will move on, it's who she is, and they will be friends again. He's already looking forward to that, he likes her as a friend and always had.

Sebastian really wants to stay where he's going now though. He wants to finally belong somewhere, to find a real home this time. He's not so much running away as he's going forward and he desperately needs to reach this goal.

The car soon pulls up in front of Chris's building and he smiles out of the window. Chris is not outside and it's what they already planned. Him and the driver manage to carry all his bags, suitcases and boxes out of the car and into the building. Then he pays the man and loads the stuff into the elevator. And when the doors open on the last floor, there he is, Chris with a full on excited grin and glowing with happiness. Without hesitation Sebastian falls into his arms and just sighs, they are really doing this.. they are starting something real together, a life. It's not a dream anymore, it's the end of all the hopeless wishes and painful longings. It's finally happening.

 

"I have something for you. It's a home-warming gift." Chris chuckles and pulls Sebastian closer by the hips. They've already loaded everything inside but haven't even started unpacking it.

"What is it? Where? You know, people are supposed to give that to us, Chris." They are both grinning giddily and overflowing with joy, just from the simple fact that this loft is now becoming their own place.

"I don't care. Close your eyes." Chris whispers and makes Sebastian to do just that by kissing each of his eyelids. He giggles silently and just holds Chris's hand and lets him lead them further. And when he opens his eyes again, he literally loses his breath.

It's a telescope. A big, shiny, golden, new and gorgeous. Standing there in front of the window. Sebastian lets out an undignified sound and covers his mouth with his hand quickly.

"No way... no fucking way! Chris!" He turns around and stares at his new boyfriend in disbelief. "Are.. are you crazy?! This must have cost a fortune!" Sebastian's heart is probably going to burst out of his chest. No one ever gave him something like this. Well, or at least not the real thing. Last time it was his step-dad but it was a much smaller version and made for kids. This is some fancy shit and he's simply swept away by this gesture.

Sebastian is still incapable of coherent thoughts, so he throws himself around Chris's neck and just hugs him, not able to even say anything anymore. He owes him so much, not only this gift. Chris probably has no idea and maybe never will, because some things are not easy to express. Sebastian is simply overwhelmed and instead of trying to say anything more he just kisses Chris, long and deep and full of more unspoken confessions. He never in his life imagined getting this lucky. He also realizes that nothing ever felt so right before. And he'd be damned if he pushes Chris away again.

"So I take it you like my present?" Chris laughs after a while, simply letting Sebastian soak in all the joy and happiness. "And before you start about the price, I really don't care about that and you shouldn't either. " He's not letting go of Sebastian and just gazes lovingly into his eyes, visibly pleased by the reaction his gift received.

"How.. how did you know? And also.. how are you even real, Chris? Where have you been my whole life? Damn you!" Sebastian laughs and squeezes lightly the nape of Chris's neck. There is moisture in his eyes, he can't help it, and he leans their foreheads together. There is a quiet laugh rumbling in the other man's chest before there are fingers tangling in Sebastian's hair.

"I think, that despite all our fears and difficulties, things came around at the right time and right place. Don't you think? I don't know if we'd click, the way we do now, some ten years ago. We were both different people back then, wild and too untamed." They are looking into each other's eyes and even when it's from so up close and a bit ridiculous, it still feels perfect because this moment is just that - perfect. And Sebastian thinks he might die happy, right here and now. He just nods at Chris's words and laughs with tears still in his eyes. But Chris takes a deep breath and it looks like there is something important he wants to say.

"I love you, Sebastian Stan. And at this point of my life, I know that I made the best decision I ever could. I've been through a lot and lived through many heartbreaks. And I also know now that I had to make that journey to get to you and grow into a person that I am now so we could find each other. And I also want the _you_ that is now, the you that fell in love with _me_ that is also now." Chris's voice is trembling with emotion but Sebastian can see the determination and resolve thrumming beneath every inch of his skin. Chris is caressing his cheek and neck, probably every inch of his face he can reach, as if he is in a constant marvel of what he's seeing in front of him and still can't quite believe all of this is real.

"Chris.." Sebastian finally manages to choke out but bites his lip because there are simply no good enough words in response to such speech. But he needs to let out his own feelings too, they are threatening to suffocate him right now.

"Chris..you are so beautiful. Do you know that? Inside and out. And I just.. I never thought someone like you could even exist. " Sebastian flashes a tearful smile before steeling his voice a bit more so he can at least finish what he wanted to say. Because Chris is looking at him like he won the lottery and Sebastian owes him at least that.

"It's beautiful the way you're enthusiastic about life. How honest your laugh is and your fear too. How you constantly try to improve yourself even when I think you're already perfect. And you're a perfectionist and control freak but you never give up on anything too. It's amazing how much you care about your friends and your family." Sebastian leans in and steals a quick kiss. "And most of all... I just love the way you love. So yeah, I'm fucking happy that I'm here and with you." He smiles then and frames Chris's face with both his hands, simply high on this moment. All of it is just too surreal to be real but still somehow is.

Both of them stay like that for some time, just kissing and laughing, coped up in their own world. And maybe if they start also slowly swaying and dancing to a song only they can hear, no one would know anyway. It's just them, the night life of New York behind their windows and the stars flickering on the darkening sky above.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pediatric HIV/AIDS epidemic during '89-'90 in Constanta is a real thing and I actually found out about it by accident when I opened a tourist guide for Romania in our local book store. I did more research and yeah.. no wonder his mom run away from there as fast as she could. You can read some pretty shocking facts about it [here](http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2334/1/7#B3).
> 
> Once again thank you and love you lots! You can find me of course on [tumblr](http://reketrebn.tumblr.com/) where I don't get any asks but I will answer everything you throw at me! ♥  
> I might write some Cap3 oneshot about a hot night in Europe too haha but we will see if the inspiration for it strikes XD

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for my lovely beta Jess! ♥


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